August 2020

Time Flies

stargrace August 25, 2020 2 Comments

When I look back on my life over the past 10 years, I’m astounded at how much has changed. I can honestly say that EVERY single aspect of my life is different than it was 10 years ago.

10 years ago I was in a relationship with a man who didn’t want children – we had been together almost 12 years. I didn’t know he didn’t want children. I very much wanted children. I always have. We finally came to an impasse, and I left the relationship. At the time I thought that was the most difficult decision I had ever made.

I then decided to move across the country, leaving behind family & friends to give a chance to a man I had known for the better part of a decade as a friend. I also got a job with Carbine Studios. Turns out it was meant to be, so five years ago I started dating the man, the job with Carbine lasted much shorter, I left after three years. A year after that, 4 years ago, we got married. Then we had our first kid. He joined the RCMP, and we moved from our home to a new province. We had our second kid. Then we moved again to a Northern isolated post. Nothern like there are no paved roads here. Groceries is a 6h round trip (minus the time to shop). Internet is 5mb/s maximum. It has been a difficult adjustment but not for the reasons I thought.

In between those times I started to teach myself to knit, I learned to code, I brushed up on my French, I bought an antique circular sock knitting machine and taught myself how to use it. I taught myself how to spin fiber into yarn. I’m currently learning how to use an electronic knitting machine from 1980. I started getting involved in the fiber community. We learned our son has autism.

I’ve never been so surrounded by people and yet felt so alone in my entire life. I never feel like I fit in. I never feel like I’m able to connect to people. I try, I try to learn about them and listen to issues and be there, but my time is so incredibly wrapped up around my children and my husband’s schedule that there isn’t a lot of time for ‘me’ in there, and when there is, no one is around.

I’ve been struggling very hard for the past four years. Having a child with special needs is difficult enough but remove all form of support, family, and friends and you’re left with startlingly little. I like to think I’m a strong woman but honestly, I’m not. I have been failing in everything I touch. That’s probably part of the reason I bounce around video games, I’m a jack of all trades and a master of none. I just can’t seem to settle down in any aspect of life.

Anyway, no real reason for this post, I just needed to get it out a bit. Life is hard. The pandemic stuff has been hard. I feel like every day is a struggle and even talking to people professionally about what is going on has not been helping because there’s just always SO MUCH going on. I try not to have regrets, but I definitely have regrets.