Real Life

Pressure & Mommy guilt

stargrace September 1, 2018 0Comment

(Above – me and Nugette. Motherhood is not glamorous, it’s exhausting)

I’m 6 weeks postpartum with my 2nd child now, and we’re just starting to get into our new routine which of course changes pretty much daily. It’s a delicate balancing act of child care, self care, and care for my partner. Friends and family have fallen by the wayside during this time since I just can’t keep up with everything / everyone. The funny thing is I expect that I should.

There’s so much pressure on women and mothers to be as perfect as they possibly can during what is quite honestly the most difficult transition in my entire life. Having one child was pretty rough considering he was premature – but I had my husband by my side for 8 months of paternity leave. This time he was only off for 6 weeks, and then went back to work leaving me with two children under two. Add the terrible two tantrums that my oldest has been going through, the fact that he still isn’t talking, and a plethora of other “issues” and I’m feeling a TON of “mommy guilt” – those moments of “we should have gotten out more, I should have made a healthier meal, I should have paid more attention to xyz thing, I should have cleaned the house” etc. While I’m not a fan of the catch phrase, it’s a thing. We feel a lot of guilt. I’m told this guilt will last right up until I no longer exist. Figures.

One thing I’ve been trying to do for myself, is lose the baby weight I gained. I gained a whopping 70 pounds with baby number two. I decided very early on that I wasn’t going to pay too much attention to my weight so long as I was feeling well and baby was growing, because our first was so underweight and I had so many complications. I’ve lost 32lbs so far, but I’m also nursing, so I’m trying to eat healthy and eat enough to keep up energy levels chasing after the toddler and running the house and – eventually, something is probably going to give.

I’m trying to give myself some leeway, not be so hard, remind myself this is all a phase – but it’s hard. In fact that is how I sum up my days. Hard. I know they’ll get easier as the newest edition learns to sleep through the night, as the oldest learns to express himself and communicate via something other than screaming at the top of his lungs, and eventually we’ll find our routine. I’m thinking around Christmas things will be feeling better, so check back on me then.

Oh, combine this with living in a new remote location where I know no one and have no friends or family.. yup. We’re managing, but I wish I were handling it all better.

stargrace August 15, 2018 5Comments

Sadness. Slipping. Afraid to speak up. Afraid to inconvenience. Wrapped up in their own happenings, I observe. I know their stories. I hear their cries. I reach out.

They don’t. Stop expecting them to. Stop this preconceived notion that they should be a certain way. Stop being disappointed.

No family. No friends. No sleep. Just thoughts. Too many thoughts.

Enough.

Blaugust Reborn – Deciding to Blog

stargrace August 1, 2018 0Comment

There are tons of reasons that people start blogging – and there’s no one right reason, there’s just the reason that is right for you. When I started 12 years ago (holy crap, it has been a while) I just knew I wanted a little space on the internet to get some thoughts out about EverQuest 2. At the time I was not playing anything else and blogging was becoming a popular way to get out there. I didn’t care about how many people read, whether they left comments, and I certainly didn’t think about where the blog would take me.

I stuck with it (obviously, I’m still writing) and have been incredibly surprised at how rewarding it is. For me, persistence has been key (despite the fact that I blog far less frequently now than I ever have).

I still don’t worry about how many people stumble into my little corner, I still write just for me. I do accept the occasional advertisement that emails me (more about the controversy of this in another post) but my base reasons for blogging have shifted slightly. I now write as a way to relieve some stress and create a record of memories that I can look back on. I no longer blog about EQ2 (or even keep my posts video game related) and instead embraced the fact that I’ve got multiple hobbies. All of this is perfectly fine. You can have one reason or a hundred reasons to get your thoughts out there but I do want to stress the fact that if you want to keep at it, and not just give up after the first week, or month, that you should set it into some sort of a routine. Getting a quick post out before work, or making a post on your drive with some voice technology, or even having a waterproof whiteboard in the shower to jot down those important ideas will all help.

If you’re not having fun with it, re-assess why you’re blogging and try not to berate yourself or stress yourself out. Some days you just may not feel like it – and that’s OK too! You don’t need to have it figured out right away, and your blog will certainly go through some changes over time. Just keep true to yourself and what you want from the experience.

Two under Two

stargrace July 25, 2018 1Comment

My first pregnancy was a really difficult one. There were flights to hospitals for neural tube tests, a lot of weight loss and sickness, and an under weight birth that was 5 weeks early. The difficulties continued as he developed colic that lasted a few months and lets just say he is a very stubborn child. I wouldn’t give it all up for anything, but they were not easy times. My husband had 8 months of paternity leave and without his support, there’s no way I would have survived.

My second pregnancy was a huge surprise after the issues we had with our first. It took us two years with help of fertility specialists the first time around. It was certainly different for our second. Healthy, no problems, but the history of my past always lurking in the background causing a lot of stress.

Now I’ve got 2 under 2, as the term goes, and I’m finding new difficulties. My husband only has three weeks off work instead of 8 months, and I’m healing from a c-section. We’re in a new town, in a new province, and have no support system set up. I still don’t drive (I was working on my beginners). How on earth am I going to survive and keep these precious children alive? That’s a question that honestly passes through my mind hourly at this stage, hence my decision to blog about it and get my feelings out. I suffered from horrible postpartum depression last pregnancy, and I’m terrified of going down the same road this time, too. I can’t be the mother I need to be if I can’t take care of myself.

This morning I told my husband to sleep in 2 hours, so I could handle the breakfast routine on my own and see how I do. He’s close by in case I need help, but I know that in just two weeks I’ll have to do this for real, and I want to know I can do it. Healing from my c-section is honestly the hardest part at this point. I’m sore. I can’t lift up my son for another 4 weeks, and he doesn’t understand what the heck is going on in his world.

I hope I can do it.